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So what's the point of having an Xbox if you're not using Xbox LIVE, you ask. Well, not very much at all, I'll say. Even if you're one of those pale, basement dwelling sociopaths who refuse to speak to mom upstairs, much less play games online, you'll still want to check out all the cool stuff on the Xbox LIVE Marketplace (you might hate everyone in the world, but you can't possible hate Puzzle Quest). Of course, we're sitting in the rather unenviable position of having no official local Xbox LIVE support, but – contrary to popular misconception – this is more a heap of inconvenience than anything else. Since I'm taking a break this week from slagging off JRPGs and DotA, I thought I'd show you all how to hit up LIVE in South Africa.

First up, make sure you've got yourself a broadband internet connection – ADSL, wireless, whatever, as long as it's not dialup. If you're using dialup, forget it. If you're using dialup, seriously, it's 2009 already. Anyway, before even going anywhere near your Xbox, roll on over to www.hotmail.com, and sign up for an account. The most important thing to make sure you do here is to specify the UK or USA as your region for this email account. I'm going to repeat this, because someone invariably blows this, and comes back later crying, “I'm getting this error about my region not being supported, waaaah”. So, the most important thing to make sure you do here is to specify the UK or USA as your region for this email account. If you don't do this, you're not going to be able to sign into Xbox LIVE, and if you don't do this now, you're going to have trouble changing it later. Can't decide between the UK and USA? The only difference is that, due to currency fluctuations, buying Microsoft Points (special invisible space money from the future used on Xbox LIVE instead of real cash) and Xbox LIVE subscriptions may be slightly cheaper or more expensive on one or the other from one day to the next. Also, the spelling is better in the UK.

You'll have to supply a physical address at some point during this account creation. If you're going with the UK region, I recommend using the address of HMV on Oxford Street in London, because it's a great shop and because I've got a bunch of Guitar Hero high scores on the in-store promo display there:

150 Oxford Street, London W1D 1DJ

If you're going with the States, then go with the address of Stefano's, a New York-style pizza place in Los Angeles that makes the best pizza on the planet:

1310 3rd Street Promenade, Santa Monica 90402

With this sly bit of subterfuge, Microsoft is now totally convinced you're living in an official Xbox LIVE region, even though you're now allegedly resident in a CD shop or a pizza cafe. I could make some scurrilous observation about Windows' security protocols here, but I won't.

Now make sure your Xbox is connected to the internet (probably via an ethernet cable through a router), and switch it on. If you've previously configured the network settings for the internet, it should be connecting anyway. If not, go over to the System Settings tab, and check the networking stuff there. To avoid hassles later on, it's best to assign your Xbox a static IP (usually a 192.168.x.x address). There's also a test here to check connectivity, where you can identify the source of any problems you might have connecting to the internet.

If this is the first time you've ever connected your console to the internet, it's probably going to download a system update before you can do anything else. Depending on the version of the Xbox dashboard you're currently running, this download could be as large as 80 MB or so. Make sure you have enough space available on your Xbox memory unit or hard drive, although some newer console models have this space secretly built in.

Next, select one of the Marketplace or Friends tabs on the dashboard, and you'll be stormed with lots of “Join Xbox LIVE” buttons all over the place. Convenient. Hitting one of these will start the LIVE setup procedure. For some esoteric reason, regardless of your console system state, you'll be stuck downloading mysterious phantom updates again that don't seem to do anything except waste one or two minutes of your time. Once this is done, you'll be presented with a “Sign up for Xbox LIVE in four basic steps” dialogue box. We'll just waive the fact that we're already, like, twelve steps in. This process is pretty much automated, but be sure to use your shiny new Hotmail address when it asks for your email details so Microsoft can keep on thinking you're living somewhere else.

Once you're done with this, you'll have an Xbox LIVE-enabled account, a LIVE gamertag, and access to a whole bunch of new stuff you didn't even know existed. You'll also have a month's complimentary Gold subscription, which you'll need to play multiplayer games online.

Q. How fast must my line be?

A. Depends on what you want to do with it. To use the Marketplace, or play games online, you'll want at least a 384k connection. For hosting games, a 384k or 512k line will let you bring in just one, maybe two, people. A 1mbps connection should allow for up to four or five players altogether, while you'll need at least a 4mbps line to host any more than that.

Q. What, hosting games?

A. The overwhelming majority of Xbox LIVE multiplayer uses privately hosted P2P connections for setting up games. The upshot of this is that, despite authenticating through a remote server on LIVE, playing games with local people means playing games with local pings. Visit www.x3g.co.za, and you'll find loads of people in South Africa playing the same games you're playing. How very convenient. 

Q. How much bandwidth do I need?

Different games, different bandwidth consumption. Generally, however, shooters use up the most, with voice chat obviously guzzling up bandwidth all on its own. Maxing out, you're looking at around 20-40 MB per hour as a player, and anything up to 60 MB per hour as the host.

Q. The Xbox LIVE connection test says I have a NAT problem. What's this?

A. If you get a warning about your NAT settings being moderate or closed, this is most likely because you're using a router or a firewalled internet connection sharing setup that's restricting access on a number of service ports (specifically TCP 80, UDP 88, TCP/UDP 53, and TCP/UDP 3074). It won't prevent you from using LIVE, but can cause problems connecting to or hosting multiplayer under certain conditions, so you might want to take a look at www.portforward.com to sort this out.

Q. What's the best game on Xbox LIVE?

A. Gears of War 2, obviously. YES, IT IS.

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