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The age-old institution of premeditated murder is changing.

In fact, the days when young, ambitious serial killers forged their craft torturing household pets and shakily pleasuring themselves to German S&M dumpster porn are all but over.

Recent studies have shown that wannabe sociopaths and other maligned members of society are turning to hardcore gaming for a specialist form of training that previous generations of lunatics lacked.

“It really has the potential to revolutionize the profession,” says Jason Barnes aka ‘The Gamerscore Killer’, an aspiring serial murderer from Newark, NJ. “I went to my uncle’s farm once and he invited me to do a little target shooting,  and I immediately knew how to hold the rifle and load it and everything, simply because I copied what I saw in games.”

He pauses to gaze proudly at the notice board on the opposite wall filled with candid photos of recent victims, an elaborate collage of news clippings regarding his exploits, and a large, dog-eared ‘Quake’ poster. His eyes glaze over briefly.

“On top of that, my skill with accuracy in games also translated to the real thing. My uncle was really impressed. Something like that will surely help shorten and improve the training for all kinds of homicidal maniacs.”

Supporting this evidence is the recent controversy surrounding Daniel Petric, a renowned player of the first-person shooter game Halo 3, who shot and murdered his mother when she confiscated his Xbox.

“He’s definitely a hardcore gamer, no question about it,” says Dana Hendricks, a forensics expert for the Redmond PD in Washington and budding researcher into this exciting new form of skills development.

“Just look at the precision; the lack of remorse. There’s no way a gamepad-wielding console player could pull something like that off.”

Added Hendricks, “This kid is clearly no noob.”

Hendricks is also interested in the recently published studies which have shown that gamers can be up to 20% smarter than their non-gaming counterparts; sometimes up to 22% smarter if the gamer is hardcore.

“The potential benefit for would-be serial killers is simply astounding,” she remarked. “Not only do they demonstrate more advanced logic and strategy during Capture The Flag and other more demanding game types, but their expertise could translate into the real world, too. Just think how much better they’d be at planning elaborate murders, confusing and evading police, and negotiating gang hierarchy in prison.”

But it’s not just first-person shooter games that are creating a buzz for contemporary cutthroats. MMORPGs, or Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games, are also gaining status as developmental aids due to their remarkable emulation of key aspects of a serial killer’s life.

Brian Wilson, or ‘Burlap The Destroyer’ as he prefers to be known, has a number of fully levelled character in World of Warcraft, considered the most popular MMORPG currently available. “I’d thought living in my parents’ basement with no real-life social contact was just part of the gaming lifestyle. Who would have thought closing so many doors could open up a whole new career path?”

And, in a breakthrough report recently published by MIT’s Criminology Department, researchers have also identified the adoption of curious fetishes as a common ground between hardcore gamers and the criminally insane.

Dr Richard Walland, the lead researcher on the project, is thrilled by the discovery.

“Some of these guys practically worship specific game developers. They pre-order games from certain studios the split-second they have the chance, and often pay exorbitant amounts for overpriced collector’s editions containing nothing more than different box art and bragging rights.”

“This draws remarkable parallels to serial killers obsessing over victims, often following them for months or even years for no apparent reason,” said Walland. “We were very excited when we realized the similarities with hardcore gaming fanboys.”

He adds, “And let’s not even get started on the keyboard and mouse vs. gamepad thing. A professional knows how to select his tools.”

It’s clear indeed that the institution of premeditated murder is changing, and exciting times surely lay ahead. But where to from here for those who want to abandon the casual gaming lifestyle and start training towards being a proper menace to society?

“It’s never too late to become a real hardcore gamer,” advises Burlap, without looking up from his screen. “Chuck away that Wii and embrace your reclusiveness. Hone your skills. Learn your craft.”

“It’s what Dahmer would have done if he’d had the chance.”
 
Note: This opinion piece is a work of satire. All references to any names, places or products are entirely fictional or used in context of the article for humorous purposes. Unless, of course, you’re a hardcore gamer. Then it’s all true.

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